update most photos have been removed due to facial recognition technology.

I'm Mum. In January 2020, one of my children, my firstborn, beloved daughter, said goodbye to me. This isn't a story of a terrible accident or a terminal illness, but it's a story of loss. I didn't get a phone call or a handwritten letter. I received an email to tell me, among other things, that she no longer loves me as her mother and that she does not want me in her life. We'd had very rough times in the past few years with my divorce and then the death of all three of my parents. I struggled with immense grief from so much loss and have learned that being in menopause didn't help. But we are family, and family endures. I believed that the difficult times are when you pull together even closer.

I was in shock. Devastated is not a strong enough word. My daughter was rewriting her childhood. She said I had hated her since she was born. Wha?! How could a girl who was so loved and doted upon think that her Mum hated her? I slipped into a deep depression. I wore her words like a blanket of sadness. I was a failure.

I'm quite resilient and I was determined to fix this. I entered three times a week therapy with the best, most qualified therapist I could find. I wanted to learn how to make amends for all of the wrongs she told me I'd committed. I made several attempts to send out 'love signals' to show that I was still out here loving her even though we weren't in touch. Every move was run by my therapist to ensure it wasn't wrong.

I truly believed we'd make it. We were too strong a mother/daughter duo to end.

Then, one sunny fall day, I received a 54-page email detailing all of my failings as a parent and human being. She even had a chapter about the abortion I had when I was 17, shaming me for decisions made almost an entire decade before she existed. She also took the time to do thorough reviews of her step-father, my partner, my partner's ex, some of our friends, and others she felt were needed to be included. She also sent emails to my friends and clients. It was terrifying. In her note, she described her fantasies about chopping off my limbs and putting them in the dryer while she sat with my breast implants on her head. When I'm old, she told me how much she will enjoy standing over my dying body so that she can make sure I die miserably. It was as cruel as cruel can be, and it was terrifying. I couldn't believe that while I was working on understanding myself and my relationship with her, reading books, reaching out to experts and searching for solutions to this problem, she was at her dad's apartment marinating in hate.

My daughter is gone. She now goes by a pseudonym online and has reinvented her past.  

Hope is not helpful anymore. She moves further and further away, cheered on by followers and fans.

This blog is the journal my therapist suggested to help me through my grief. Sometimes I speak directly to my daughter; sometimes, I choose to remember happy mothering moments and the joy we shared. It's for me, but it's also for you.

Update: I am blown away by the readers from all around the world! Ireland, England, Australia, New Zealand, Iceland, Norway, Sweden, South Africa, China, Russia,India, America, and Canada. This is a worldwide phenomenon. What on earth is going on?